I woke up this morning with my stomach on fire.
My arms and legs shaking for no reason as my mind is finding something to worry about. Most of the time it’s nothing significant. Does everyone in my life love me? Have I made enemies? Am I going to get in trouble for cheating on that test 3 years ago? Did I lock all the doors when I left the house? How about the windows? Is someone going to break in and steal my computer? Should I turn around and go home to check?
If I thought I was capable of suicide, I would have killed myself eight months ago. But I can’t.
I know deep down it is a blessing to have the chance to live in this world. And I could never justify doing something like that. My parents made the choice to bring me into this world for a reason and I know I'm going to get through this.
But as for now, I’m trapped. And that scares me even more. I have no place to go. I spend day in and day out trapped inside my mind, thinking about and over analyzing every circumstance.
What's even worse is that it has creeped into my yoga practice. I can barely focus because I'm worrying about stupid shit. It's ironic that I can say that I'm worrying about stupid shit but yet I cannot control the thoughts when they come into my mind.
In the past I was able to tune thoughts out and float into a different world. But these thoughts are different. They are driven by this anxiety disorder. It's so hard to explain. It's like your mind is driving 90 miles an hour and you're trying to slam the breaks but your body won't let you.
I'm going to try to do a triple one day this week.. It's the third class that sends you into another realm of consciousness where nothing exists. I need that.
Truth be known, it is when I'm around people that I am best, though the feeling of anxiousness still lingers, I have moments where I am engrossed in conversation and the feeling temporarily leaves me, maybe only for a few seconds or so, but none the less it is a temporary relief. When I am alone I have too much time to think.
*I am not posting this because I need any sympathy. I don't. And I'm not posting this because I want attention. I'm posting this because maybe someone will identify with this. Maybe someone has SOME sort of clue.
Goodnight, whoever you are. I love you.
