4/6/10

I woke up this morning with my stomach on fire.

My arms and legs shaking for no reason as my mind is finding something to worry about. Most of the time it’s nothing significant. Does everyone in my life love me? Have I made enemies? Am I going to get in trouble for cheating on that test 3 years ago? Did I lock all the doors when I left the house? How about the windows? Is someone going to break in and steal my computer? Should I turn around and go home to check?

If I thought I was capable of suicide, I would have killed myself eight months ago. But I can’t.

I know deep down it is a blessing to have the chance to live in this world. And I could never justify doing something like that. My parents made the choice to bring me into this world for a reason and I know I'm going to get through this.

But as for now, I’m trapped. And that scares me even more. I have no place to go. I spend day in and day out trapped inside my mind, thinking about and over analyzing every circumstance.

What's even worse is that it has creeped into my yoga practice. I can barely focus because I'm worrying about stupid shit. It's ironic that I can say that I'm worrying about stupid shit but yet I cannot control the thoughts when they come into my mind.

In the past I was able to tune thoughts out and float into a different world. But these thoughts are different. They are driven by this anxiety disorder. It's so hard to explain. It's like your mind is driving 90 miles an hour and you're trying to slam the breaks but your body won't let you.

I'm going to try to do a triple one day this week.. It's the third class that sends you into another realm of consciousness where nothing exists. I need that.

Truth be known, it is when I'm around people that I am best, though the feeling of anxiousness still lingers, I have moments where I am engrossed in conversation and the feeling temporarily leaves me, maybe only for a few seconds or so, but none the less it is a temporary relief. When I am alone I have too much time to think.

*I am not posting this because I need any sympathy. I don't. And I'm not posting this because I want attention. I'm posting this because maybe someone will identify with this. Maybe someone has SOME sort of clue.

Goodnight, whoever you are. I love you.

Day 9 and Day 10

Day 9 (yesterday)-

A girl named Heidi taught class, she said she was from Paradise Valley, AZ. It was the 9AM class... I was very very tight. The heat was too dry, barely any humidity. This is all I have to say about this class really... I was very frustrated cause I wasn't feeling any heat and my body was very stiff.

Day 10 (today)-

Interesting day. I took the 10:30AM class to warm up for the 12:15 Advanced class. There was no way I was going to go straight into that room and do advanced postures, I needed to be pliable. The 10:30AM was surprisingly hot. I loved it. I think it was because of all the bodies in the room, all of the competitors. It was the hottest class I've taken there so far and I was just soaking it up. A girl named Alison taught (I think that was her name). I know I saw her taking Emmy's class on Tuesday and during her backward bend she touched the floor without struggle... pretty insane, pretty neat.

After the 10:30AM, I went and got a vitamin water... which I have been avoiding since I've been out here. Cutting back on the sugar and stacking up on the real veg/fruit juice (just because I can; it's so much more accessible here in CA than at home). Advanced was rough. I was all slippery and slimy. We moved very very very very very fast. Very fast. Very very fast. I think that just bears repeating. Don't get me wrong, when I do advanced class in Annapolis, we move fast, but Bikram kept saying "faster, we need to move faster, quick and fast, like an American marriage" haha. Emmy was the one who had the mic on, but Bikram would say things every now and again. Like during the first backbend we are all backward bending and all of a sudden I hear this big exclamation of , "FUUUCK!!!!!!!" It was Bikram... I had to laugh, it was great. He's very down to earth and has a certain charm about him that you can't help but love. Emmy was quite hilarious as well. After Bikram said "fuck" she said "uh oh, I better get the soap" in her Latvian accent. It was great. So memorable. **I also remember Bikram saying that eagle pose felt "like high school sex." ....what that means, I don't know, but it was funny.

Advanced at HQ was incredibly inspiring. After practicing in the same room as the creator of the series and being surrounded by so many champions and so much peace and talent, I cannot wait to return home with all that I have learned and put it to use.

Plus, I actually miss my home studio very much.

I'm getting ready for the dinner now. I'm very nervous. I don't know why. I guess cause it's my first competition and I don't know any of these people. Oh well. Here goes.

I hope the snow is starting to get plowed so you can get to do your yoga.

I miss you,

A.J.

Day 8

Today is Tuesday, February 9th, 2010. It is my 8th day of the 60 Day Challenge, I have taken one day off so far and that was the day that I flew into L.A.

I took the 10:30AM this morning. I got to the studio at about 10:15AM and got my mat and towels, changed, and waited in the hall for the class before to finish. HQ has a 9AM and a 10:30AM.... back to back. So as I was waiting out in the hallway for the class to finish, I asked someone who was teaching the 10:30AM... the woman answered, "Emmy." My heart kind of skipped a beat. All of a sudden I felt this mixture of excitement and nervousness... I was going to be taking a class taught by Emmy Cleaves, a Latvian woman who was said to have survived two Jewish internment camps during WWII and has practiced this yoga with Bikram Choudhury himself since he first brought the series to America in the 1970s.

To the home-students of Head Quarters it's just like any other Tuesday class with Emmy, but to me it's like taking a class that a celebrity is teaching. An extreme honor. I want to ask her so many questions. Not so much about the yoga but about life in general, about longevity and the human body, health, food. etc.

It was an interesting class and humorous at times. During the beginning of the standing series, she would be talking and talking and talking, she was a FOUNTAIN of information. It was amazing to listen to, but at the same time a hell of a challenge to hold the postures until she was done talking! I feel like my shoulders are going to fall off because I have stretched them so much! She even went on to say in her deep slow-speaking- Latvian sultry accent, "you all better get back in this posture or else we're looking at a really long triangle pose.... you're accumulating a deficit." She then continued by saying that we should not take time to sit down during the standing postures, they are the warm up. We will have plenty of time to lay down on the floor later. --I'm going to have to remember this one later....

There would be times in the postures where everyone would just come out of the pose and she would just keep talking as if everyone was still in it. It was great. She corrected my spine twisting pose. My wrist that was holding my knee was bent, she said. She manually reprogrammed my knee-ankle-wrist connection.

At the end of the class I saw her out in the hallway and shook her hand. Told her where I was from, my name, and that I was competing. She said "congratulations" and that she would see me this weekend. Very cool.

---

I went back to take the 6:15PM class at HQ. A young fellow named Alex was teaching. An asian boy with long black hair that he tied in a bun, a mustache, and a little stubble on his chin. He talked pretty fast and softly. My body is starting to open up more, I can feel it in certain postures. My back. My hips. And I'm seeing progress in my over all physique as well: my abs are becoming more apparent and I am slowly becoming more 'sculpted'.... slowly, slowly that is. But none the less, I am pleased. It has a lot to do with my diet and a lot to do with my location. We went into a store today, I forget what it was called. It began with an "e." I'll look it up tomorrow and put it in here. But it was sort of like a Whole Foods, but the store sold 90% macrobiotic/ vegan/ raw food products. It was incredible. I've never seen anything like this on the east coast. It is very easy to eat 'lean and clean' (I made that saying up just now).

During class, I tried a meditation that was recommended by Nikki. It is known as the "me" meditation. You just keep repeating "me" over and over again inside. I had a few moments where I completely zoned out, it takes time to master though. The times that I did zone out were incredible though. There is nothing like a trance-like meditation that can take you away from your mind and all of the demons that are bouncing around inside of your head. I was having a particularly hard time focusing during the beginning of class, for my own personal reasons, which is when I turned to the "me" meditation. I recommend you all give it a try when you find yourself anxious or sad for some reason or another. It is a great way to silence your mind and find your center and the true happiness that lies deep within your being.

So many times, I get lost. And recently this has been happening pretty frequently. I have a severe anxiety disorder and depression that sometimes follows. My mind will wander and find silly things to worry about for no reason. And even if I am not worrying, I sometimes find myself having this overwhelming feeling of unease or anxiousness. Art (writing music, playing music, listening to music) has been a big help to me and especially this yoga. I was also recommended a fantastic book (which I have purchased on iTunes as an audiobook) by one of my teachers Abby that is called, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Not only has this book helped me control the monsters in my head, but it has helped me execute a deeper focus during class. (Thank you Abby) --- I sort of side tracked here, but I feel the subject of 'the mind' deserves some light being shed on it. And in case any of you by chance have experienced what I have, I wanted to share with you what helps me cope in case you find yourself in the same place as me... No human being deserves chronic sadness. Life is a celebration---

After class, on my way out of the studio I was making my way down the hall way when Bikram walked turned into the hall way. I think I stopped dead in my tracks. I was taken back, I remember taking a deep breath. I introduced myself, shook his hand, and told him I would see him on Friday. I'm sure I sounded like a little school girl (what's new, eh?) but I wasn't expecting to see him and didn't have a prepared speech or anything. But it's all good. Hopefully one day he'll get to know who I really am. Where I am from. And about the incredible way he has changed my life.

Goodnight, yogis.

Day 7

Day 7 was interesting. I took the 9:00 AM class. A young girl was teaching, I forget her name. It was a good class all and all, however a couple things got me thinking...

So during class today, people kept coming in late. Some during breathing, some during half-moon.... some during awkward, some during eagle............. some during head-to-knee..... yes, I said it, some people came in during standing head-to-knee. At first, during breathing, during half moon, even during awkward, I didnt' really have an issue. But when people start coming in during standing head-to-knee, it gets pretty annoying. How can you possibly have a good class? The room isn't hot enough to begin with! You're telling me you're going to walk into a class and just start standing head-to-knee pose? Come on... I need at least one good padahastasana to get my hamstrings ready for that pose and at least one set of eagle to get my hips ready. Some people had the excuse that "traffic was bad"... Whatever. I just know that if I was in my car, and I looked and saw that I wasn't going to be able to make it to class before 10 after, I would turn the car around and wouldn't even bother going to class; I would simply wait until the next class.

The next thing that bothered me was people walking in and out of the room... again. Every class I've taken so far, there have been people who just up-and walk out of the room at random intervals. It makes me wonder, why are these people leaving? Do they think it's hot? Or do they think they've gotten a substantial workout at that point and time and feel free to leave? There was one girl who walked in during awkward and left during standing head-to-knee. When the teacher asked her where she was going she said she had to leave because she had a hangover-- Now, I guess I really shouldn't be saying this since I'm 19, but truthfully, if you are ever feeling like shit on the morning after a long night... Bikram Yoga is the best thing for you. The balancing series may be rough: your vertigo may be off. And you may be really tight and not want to sweat at all. But eventually your body and mind will give in and surrender to the yoga and you will feel better as the class progresses.

This series was designed to heal tons of ailments. I do these poses all then time when I feel something is out of balance... If my chest is tight and I'm feeling very anxious, I do pranayama deep breathing and camel pose. If I have a bad stomach ache or stomach cramps, I drink a lot of water and do multiple sets of wind-removing pose. If I have an exam, presentation, or speech at school, I go into the bathroom or into the hallway and do two lengthy sets of half-tortoise pose. Yes, this seems crazy, but I wouldn't be telling you these things if they didn't work (I truly don't mean to sound like a teacher right now, cause that's the last thing I want to do... sound just like the voice that you hear everyday for an hour and a half, but I don't quite know how to express how this series really works).

--

I am taking the 1030AM tomorrow. This was a relatively boring post, and a hodge-podge of thoughts jumbled up into paragraphs. So pardon me. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Oh, and another thing! I have been eating a majority of raw foods since I've been here and drinking fresh juice everyday after class. There are SO many tasty options here for raw food. And I have found that I have so much more energy during my practice. I think it's a combination of the food, the weather, and the energy of the city.

* Those of you who are at home, try eating some vegetables before class (but not too close to class, we don't want any accidents) to see if your energy level changes. Steam some broccoli or eat something green. See if it has any effect on your energy level during class.

May the force be with you, yogis.

Day 5 and Day 6

I never posted about my first class at Head Quarters: the 10AM on Saturday the 2/6/10.

Rajashree, Bikram's wife, taught the class. It was an incredible honor to be taking her class. Her class was pretty crowded. I would say close to 100 people but everyone had a comfortable space around them. The studio is HUGE. During the first set of balancing stick pose, Bikram walked in. Everything sort of went into slow motion. It was really cool, he hopped up on the podium and Rajashree asked him if he wanted to teach. He said no. He said "hi" to all of the regulars at the studio, asked how their families were; he was very cordial and very charming. For the second side of the first set, he had us hold it for what seemed like forever... I thought my standing leg was going to fall off. And after that, he walked out, and that was it. It was cool to see him in the flesh, to be in the same room as the creator of the series that has changed my life. The rest of class was good. I was really tight. I think because I was sitting down for just about the whole day on Friday. From the car, to the plane, to the plane to the car, car to the restaurant, restaurant to the car, car to the hotel, and then to bed. The studio wasn't that hot, but I did generate a lot of heat towards the end of class. I was pouring sweat. I think I was just working really hard because it was my first class at Head Quarters and on top of it all, Rajashree was teaching. Great experience.

Day 6, 2/7/10

I started out the day with a 10AM class. An older woman named Carolyn was teaching. I am assuming she's a senior teacher. It was a great class. Before class, I did some wall walks down the back wall. It caught the attention of the people who were sitting back there and they asked me if I was competing. When I said that I was, a whole crowd congregated and they all introduced themselves to me. One woman, who practiced next to me yesterday, said that she enjoyed practicing next to me because I was very still and had a great practice. They asked me where I was from, and I said, "Maryland." I asked them if this (head quarters) was their home studio. When they answered, "yes," I explained to them how it's neat that to them, this just their home studio-- their place to practice. While to me, it is the Mecca of the yoga world. I asked them who was teaching, they said "Carolyn... you'll like her class." Not soon after, she walked in the door. An older woman, maybe late 60s, early 70s, but I could be wrong. (I am fascinated with age, but that's another story, those of you who know me well, know I love older women, i.e.- Stevie Nicks, Madonna, Deborah Harry, Patti Smith.... the older the better) But anyway, she was very funny, very witty. She was very touchy, however, about people coming in late. And because the studio is so big, some people will come in and walk up towards the front, which she did NOT like. I was chuckling to myself because people kept coming in after breathing, and in the middle of the dialogue she would burst out, "YOU, NO, BACK, GET BACK, BACK, BACK OF THE ROOM." Then, after about 6 people walked in during the first set of breathing, she ended it abruptly. And said that she wanted to explain some "yoga ettiquette" to everyone. She went on to tell us that if we come in late, we stand in the back and wait till an appropriate time to move up front to put our mat down. We then began to start the second set when someone else walked in. She stopped the class and said "find your spot, we'll wait." It sounds a little harsh the way I'm typing it, but it was actually pretty funny. She gave me good corrections:

During standing head-to-knee, she told me to kick my kicking-leg more forward, which brought my hip more forward, thus distributing the weight on my standing more evenly so that I wouldn't be leaning back into my heel-- The first person to give me that correction was Lynne. I had never even gotten that correction until I came to Bikram Yoga Hampden. And now what? I have a senior teacher giving me the same correction... I truly am blessed with great teachers--

Later, she flicked my elbows with her fingers during balancing stick until I locked them out. When I did lock them out I could tell a difference, a lot more stretching up.

~One tidbit that surprised me: A lot of people kept going in and out of class. It was shocking because it was Head Quarters. And this didn't just happen during Carolyn's class, it happened in Rajashree's too. People just leaving at random times. Carolyn even said at one time, ".... seems there's a party in the bathroom, if you're attending make sure to be back by the spine strengthening series..." I kept thinking to myself, as people were leaving, that these yogis don't even know what 'hot' is! Spend one day in my home studio, and certain teachers (ehem) will have you running out on fire!!! I find that at this studio, I get hotter as the class progresses. The temperature of the room is pretty constant, but I feel that it's my body generates a lot of heat as the class proceeds.

After class, I did some wall-walks down the back wall, then went and showered up and headed to Venice Beach with my parents. Which I will have to talk about in another post, because that was very, very interesting but very great as well.

I returned to Head Quarters at 3:50PM for the 4:30PM class. It wasn't a crowded class, I suppose because it was Superbowl Sunday (which by the way I am very happy for the Saints). A girl named Samantha was teaching. My guess is that she was probably in her late twenties. It was my second class of the day, so my body was nice and malleable, and I used that to my advantage. I locked my leg out in standing bow and she noticed. She said, "you are probably the 3rd guy I've ever seen lock their leg out in standing bow." I know there are many more men who can do that, but still, it was a very flattering comment none-the-less. She then asked me where I was from, I said "Bikram Yoga Hampden, Maryland" and she invited me up onto Bikram's podium to demonstrate standing bow for the whole class.... Now, let me say that again:

She invited me up onto Bikram's podium to demonstrate standing bow for the whole class.

I was extremely honored. While Bikram was not in the class, nor was Rajashree, still, being on the same podium that he teaches from, and to be asked to demonstrate a posture at the World Head Quarters of Bikram Yoga is an EXTREME honor and I was extremely humbled, especially when I got a round of applause from the home-students of the studio-- One of the proudest moments of my yoga career so far. She asked me how old I was, she guessed early 20s. When I told her 19, she said hopes were high for me and that I had a lot in my "long yoga career" ahead of me to look forward to. For the rest of class she referred to me as A.J. and during balancing stick she even said, "You are stretching forward and stretching backwards... Imagine I am pulling your arms toward the mirror and A.J. is pulling your leg toward the back wall..." Pretty cool, I gotta say. Pretty cool.

I also went up into the full expression of locust pose, where she stopped the class and had them look at me as I put my feet onto my head for scorpion pose. I got another round of applause-- again, I was so humbled.

Every posture that is executed is a demonstration of the eminent knowledge of my teachers and the unbounded faith they have placed in me every day. I say this a lot, but I still do not say it enough. Thank you all, students as well, for believing in me.

Namaste.

Los Angeles

When we landed in Los Angeles the temperature was in the low 60s and there was a gentle breeze with lots of rain. It felt so good to be in a warm climate. It is so refreshing to feel warm breeze against my face as opposed to the cold, dry, breezy-harsh spell that is cast over Baltimore right now.
But something I cannot explain to you is the emotion I felt as we were driving through L.A. today. I lost all sense of season. It made no sense to me that weather could exist like this in the month of February. It was something about the plants. The trees. The grass. The color of green. I love green (no matter what superstitions Bikram holds against the color, it is a beautiful color). The texture of the bark of the trees. The way the leaves blew in the wind. I don't know the names of these trees but I wish I did so that I could share them with you. I will try to go out and take pictures one day soon and post them on here so you may know what I am talking about. The trunk of the tree is almost a light brown/gray color. I think it all had such a profound effect on me because these things are so foreign to me... especially since I have been living in a colorless city since October

Then there were the houses. The architecture. Everything is so different. The buldings are very square, not very high, and have a stucco finish. And the color of the stucco varies: pink, gray, green, and all sorts of pale shades.

We went through a neighborhood and I saw three teenage boys walking home with backpacks on. They looked like they were probably 17 or 18 years old and it made me think what it would be like to have grown up in this area? Are these kids rich? Or are they just average kids? What kind of lives do they live? Everything is different here. The weather. The location. The food. And the clay tiling on the roofs of the houses. How is being a teenager here?

Well, enough brainstorming. I am currently getting ready to go to my first class here. 10 AM at Head Quarters. The center of the Bikram World, here in Los Angeles.

This will be Day 5, because I took off Friday, as it was my travel day.

I will post soon. I am very excited.

Okay so here's the deal...

Tonight's the night. Yes yes yes. A night of celebration. What for?

Well quite simply, I am celebrating the impossible, or rather, the possible.

I started this yoga when I was 16 years old. I remember my first class very vividly. I walked into the yoga room wearing black basketball shorts and a white t-shirt... and white socks. Yes, white socks... We all see the beginners who do the crazy shit like that and we all laugh at them, but yes... let it be known. I wore socks into the yoga room for my first class, and was later encouraged to take them off before the beginning of the class.

It was a Monday night at 6PM and Deb Weitzel was teaching. I remember doing the breathing exercise and fighting laughter. It was the "h-a hah" sound that made me giggle. It was like having the "church giggles" you know? The laughter you can't stop. Of course it was really awkward because it was just me, laughing at a room full of 20 something people who were really into it.

I remember doing half-moon and looking at my red face in the mirror. I thought my head was going to explode. Though out of all the standing postures... I will say that head-to-knee was by far the worst posture. I was hopping around like an idiot and almost jumped onto my neighbor's mat. I hated... hated... that posture. I couldn't grab my foot to save my life, and every time I did grab my foot, I thought I was going to pass out because I was breathing so heavily.

I am writing this down because I want to tell you that I was not born with this practice. I have practiced everyday for the past 2 years to get my head to my knee. I have cried, cramped, thrown up, and almost passed out in that room. It took me the longest time, I would say about 2 months, to do a full class STANDING UP. I would have to sit out most second sets because I would be too exhausted. And I still do sit out postures (I'm sure teachers are grinning as they are reading this).

I want to tell you that anything is possible. Anything. Which on that note, I would like to share with you my goal:

I have vowed that by the end of this 60 day challenge, I will be able to do full-wheel pose. I am sure most of you have seen my friend Kyra do this posture, but in case you haven't, I have a picture of Kyra herself doing the pose below, absolutely beautifully.

I am telling you, my fellow yogi, that you can do anything. Anything. It is all about self-belief. If you want something bad enough, you can achieve it.

-----

The second part of this post is going to take on a different tone as it is directed to my teachers.

To be more specific, all of the people who have helped me in the past 8 months during my transition between studios:

Sarah Ittmann (Bikram Yoga Hampden)

Emily Vendemmia (Bikram Yoga Severna Park)

Kyle Kessenich (Bikram Yoga Hampden)

Deborah Weitzel (nutritionist and Bikram Yoga teacher)

Abby Aldrich (Bikram Yoga Hampden)

Lynne Brettschneider (Bikram Yoga Hampden)

Ann Marie Paul (Bikram Yoga Severna Park)

Zack Hines (Bikram yoga Severna Park)

Reggie Meneses (Bikram Yoga Reston)

Kat Kelley-Chung (Bikram Yoga Columbia)

Nikki Gordon (Bikram Yoga Columbia)

Jaime Maitland Benjes (Bikram Yoga Hampden)

Barbara Brutzman (Bikram Yoga Hampden)

Marsha White (Bikram Yoga Tenley Town/ Bikram Yoga Rockville/ Bikram Yoga Takoma Park)

Most specifically, thank you to all of the teachers at Bikram Yoga Hampden who have welcomed me into their yoga community with open arms. And the Advanced Class crew at Severna Park as well. Together, these two studios took me in and shaped me into a champion.

-----------

Lastly, I would like to share with you a quote that is on the wall of my home studio.

"In India 'namaste' is a greeting, a way to say "hello" or "goodbye."

It means: I honor the place in you of love, of light, of truth, of peace. I honor the place in you where, if you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us."

When I first read this quote, it gave me a higher respect for this practice. When the teacher says "namaste" we are usually saying the words without any meaning at all (usually in hopes to rush the teacher out of the room.... at least in my case....). But after I reading that quote, it gave me a deeper sense about my practice and the people around me. When we are in that room, we are one. There is no male, there is no female. There is no tall, there is no short. There is no flexible, there is no inflexible. There is no black, there is no white. There is no gay, there is no straight. There is nothing but the energy that unites us, that makes us whole. And I would like to thank you for sharing your energy with me.

BUT ENOUGH OF THAT JIBBER JABBER.

I'm going to try to wrap this post up. The rest of my posts won't be this long, I swear. And I bless any of you who have read through this essay.

It is currently 1:14 AM on Friday in Baltimore. My plane leaves at 8:55 AM. I have been packing my carry on bag while my mother and father are taking care of the clothes and suitcases. Bless them for being such a supportive force and believing in me... and most importantly for taking me to L.A.!

I will post everyday about L.A., the studios here, and the yoga community here as well, in case you are interested. I have never been to the West Coast. But that is about to change in 7 hours.

Thank you for reading this and I wish you happiness and success in your journey through this practice.

Please feel free to post comments, you do not need to be a member to post comments. Just make sure you leave your name so I know who you are.

-A.J.